I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
MIDGETS
????
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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