I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
