So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
