what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
