If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
You may now shotgun with the bride
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands