I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
