How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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