Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
