Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
