You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
