Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Randomize
