matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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