Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
