i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
