somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
