She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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