I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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