Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
