My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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