dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
