You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
