i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
