Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
