I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
