fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
