i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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