Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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