My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
