i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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