That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
