seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
