I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My room smells like vodka and shame
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
