This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
