I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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