If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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