you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
