I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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