the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
