my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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