she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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