Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
