I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
