May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
