Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
