yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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