if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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