I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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