Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
