I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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