saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
