is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
