clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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