This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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