i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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