You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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