Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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