i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
