I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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