I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
